Almost A Curse

 Feeling the end...seeing it... I know the exact date, conversation and line said that started the downward path.  I saw it coming.  I see it coming...all the time.  I don't get to stop it, even when I try to change my script in the play, the story just presses forward. The steering wheel was ripped out and the driver is having a stroke. His foot has spasmed and locked stretched out, pressing on the gas pedal.  I can't move him, my seatbelt sealed shut, I didn't see the kid in the back seat pouring super glue in the latch when I sat down.  I knew this car was going to crash, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it.  Why did I still get in? I always think I can talk to the kid and get him to not seal my seatbelt.  I always think I'll be able to stop the steering wheel from ripping out.  I always think I'm strong enough to pull the driver out the seat and take control of the car and pull it off the road to safety.  But every time I get in the car, the woman in the black vale in the back seat beside the child remains motionless.  She stares at me with no emotion, she stares at me like I don't exist.  She stares at me knowing that I know, and knowing I won't be able to do anything about it. Her black vale to mourn my death. Her blank stare because she knows I will do it again, and again and she remains silent because I'm only going to try a different way every time.  I see and feel but I can't affect. Is this a blessing or a curse. I get to watch my death over and over.  I get to watch my relationships end, over and over, and every time I try to change the story it still ends. Why?

Why feel all of this and feel powerless at the same time. I watch stories play out in my head, and I watch the moments of happiness to come. I look forward to cherishing them. I see the pain in others, and maybe one day something I said will change their direction.  That's it, that's my problem: I hope.  I see and I hope.  Why can't I accept what I see.  It's hard to see an animal about to get eaten. You want to save it, but if the other animal doesn't eat, it too will starve, or its offspring will starve.  A circle we can only watch and hope there is a higher purpose to demise as much as there is a higher purpose to ascension and happiness.  Maybe one day I can see pain and know its just another color on the pallet for this painting. Maybe one day I can see pain and smile. I walk up to the car, again.

A Dream Of The Coming

As we walked around the mall a team of dancers would go on each floor and do cardio and invite passers by to join in. I noticed them and paid no mind until they ended up on a floor they've been on before, my floor.  I heard the lead dancer turn to her crew and say "no one's joining in, and we've been on this floor before, let's go." I look across the other corridor and group of roughnecks were headed to leave the mall but seemed like they knew something we all didn't know.
It seems like there was a glitch in time and space, why would they come to the same floor twice, where are those guys going? I can't remember who I was with but I told them it's time to go.  We took the stairs.  While we went down each floor I could see downwards and objects were running on the ground zipping through the space I was able to see.  As I go closer...farm animals, a few dogs, goats, sheep...at the Mall?
It seemed as if the four floors were forty floors, another glitch, as by the time I landed on the ground floor, everyone was already running outside.  At the main entrance that band of roughnecks were vampires making their way back into the mall.  As I entered the clearing of the mall, waves of animals in their groups approaching the mall, sheep to the left and another group with 2 foot antlers to the right.  People tried to navigate the antlers but got cut and impaled. I went left through the sheep. As I cleared other groups of animals coming in droves I started to see all the people now grouped in various collections and everyone was in fear and shock.  For some reason you already knew which group you were supposed to be in, I couldn't find my group for a while but when I did I joined at the back.  My group was in, around and on top of a grilled cage painted blue. Still more fearful crying, screams in the background echoed like a drul of waves at a beach in the night. The parking lot was now filled with animals and these varied shapes of groups of people. 
Something caught my eye to the right, the perimeter wall of the mall. But there wasn't anything wrong with the wall, it was the transit bus beyond the wall now floating.  Then behind it another bus suspended in the air behind it, cars, trucks floating on the same invisible line and everyone now screaming in the vehicles.  The dream ends where I see everyone in the bus starting to look in on direction.  Something big enough for all to see.  The dream stops when I start to turn my head in that direction.

The Way Love Works

Seems like yesterday when I saw her.  I was coming down the escalator looking into a crowd that spanned the waiting area at the airport, looking for her. Then I saw her standing by the back near the glass wall.  Even more perfect than I could have ever imagined.  Walking up to her once I got off the escalator was stepping into a whole new world with no turning back, the anticipation, the fear, the power of going after love.  
November 15 2005. I still have the plane ticket stub in my memorabilia.  I look at it sometimes and wonder where did all my innocence go.  That morning when I realized that I basically packed everything that was important to me because this is what needs to happen.  There was no turning back once I put that suitcase in my dad's SUV.  My flight was like my mourning time to mourn the life I was leaving and the literal flight was also my transition from one world to the next, from one life to the next, from one way of being to the next.  And my only tether to know that this was real and that this all meant something good, was her.  So as I walked up to her through the crowd greeting each other, welcoming their loved ones back, I was walking up to say hello in person, for the first time...."Hi".
I don't think I ever saw anything more beautiful that day or ever in my life as I stood watching her look at me. The face I only saw in pictures, her hair now showing its tint of red that you wouldn't really see in the pictures on my old computer back home and hearing her voice, no more held back by 1500 miles of technology and digital highways. (to be continued).

Purpose

She always wondered if something what wrong with her. Thoughts running through her mind that spoke about other people even people she never met.  So she lived in silence with this torment, a gift, wrapped in question marks that she could not open yet was there in front of her. That windy afternoon, grey angry skies chasing after devils to keep us safe she was heading home with her high jacket collar up, covering her face from the leaves being blown around in the fight, but also to avoid looking in the eyes of others that would trigger their thoughts to her like an open book...she's seen and heard enough for today.  On the other side of the street a man with his coat over his face as well, rushing and not paying attention to the lights ran out into the street and was impacted by a truck that had the right of way.  The impact of the jagged grill on man's body was perfectly lined up with the right momentum that his head severed  and went spinning and bouncing while his now broken body flew back and rolled a few times on the ground.

The horn from the truck and the screams had her frozen her in her old leather boots that she likes to wear that she got from her grandfather before he died and she watched as the man's head rolled to a stop by that right boot.  She immediately picket up the man's head, and turned his face to hers, his thick wavy hear now a mess sticking on his forehead and a few lines of blood flashed across his face.  The fright of making his fatal mistake still showed on his face but he was till alive and she stared at him.  She saw that his fright was more than losing his life, he had a daughter he's now leaving behind, still young and innocent.  She held his head with her right hand and used her left to fix his hair away from his forehead and picked out a few Autumn leaves off his cheek.  "Your time has come David, we needed a new leader for this world and your seed possessed the perfection they sought.  Her mom will teach her wisdom and she will meet people who will shape her into the leader she was born to be, her path is already made, so rest now David."  With that she leaned in and kissed David on his forehead and his face changed from the frozen fright to understanding what needs to happen.  The peace on his face made her smile back at him and she used two fingers and closed his eyelids.  She bent down, put his head down on the sidewalk, stood up and continued walking, this time lowering her collar..letting them...in.

Covered

Felt like I was walking through a night club full of people ...but they were all covered in a black oily tar.  They kept reaching and touching me as I passed them.  I couldn't hear the music but they danced and swayed and reached for me.  As I walked, they let me pass but they touched my shoulders and arms wanting me to stay but not really stopping me. Still couldn't hear the music but it was a huge dance floor, dark, filled with these tar covered bodies dancing almost trance like.  I felt some confusion as to why I was there but then I realized, I knew them.  Familiar faces, people I've met or known, people I wanted to help.  Them touching me was symbolizing something I couldn't really tell, but knowing that they weren't stopping me did tell me that it was ok that I couldn't save them. I think this walk on this dance floor is the stage of my life and not seeing the end of the dance floor tells me that my journey to meeting more people will never end and I guess I will not be able to save them all but they will leave a piece of them on me and I will know it's ok that I can't save them all.

Broke

That Saturday morning, I woke up uneasy, I was a little angry, like a frustrated type of anger.  Nothing I did to center my soul worked.  I went in the living room and sat in the lotus and I saw a wolf's head with a thick body almost bear like, fast and strong race up to my face, stared and growled at me then dashed off.  His eyes and teeth were already red.  That told me that it had already committed its crime and the blood was the blood of someone's spirit so I thought it was mine.  I went to work bewildered because I couldn't point a finger at anything in my life that was pulling my emotions in that direction with that kind of magnitude but I really could feel that my spirit was intact, just weighted down with something happening.  As the day came to an end, it dawned on me, someone's spirit broke and it was eaten by that wolf-bear like creature. Someone I knew and it was too late to save them.  It was a breaking I never felt before, a breaking that can leave someone hollow for the rest of their life, just darkness and death.  So the question was, who?  By Sunday evening I found out who it was.  I never told them of the vision and that I knew from the day before because I knew right as it happened.  Like I've been saying, I don't know what these images mean, why I'm the one seeing them, nor what is it that I'm supposed to do with them.  I'm chained to this chair front row alone in the theater with my eyes forced open to watch all the performances.

White Face

Almost like he was drawn on paper and then took that cartoon like shape right into its lifelike form.  A white circular face with a pencil thin, slightly wavy body...but in a black three pieced suit with those long tails on the back.  He just stood there, outside her window.  His cartoon like hands holding the window sill and his drawn half smile face just stared through the window.  His body waved very slowly like a calm sea.  The tails of his jacket were long and floated, stretching out into the street.  It was in the middle of the night when all were asleep. No wind so even the leaves were asleep, just the moonshine staging this thing's presence. 
He didn't want in, he didn't want anything nor did he utter a word.  Just a paper white face and a black suited pencil thin body standing, waving, floating, slowly.  I've not been able to decode the meaning of this one out of all the other visions I've had and I guess it's not meant for me to know so I will leave it alone.  But his presence and existence does hint to something unusual for her.  That subtle smile drawn on his face let me feel that he knows where he is and that he is in control of her or the events in her life at least.  I will pray she discovers this soon.

Black Mist

I always felt uneasy when I was there.  I never wanted to go further than the living room.  I could feel this thick air that gave the impression that it was alive and any further and it would suck you in. I could feel an air wrapping around my writs and ankles like invisible feather weight chains when I stood for too long. The last time I drove away, I looked in my rear view mirror at the house which was something I don't normally do and the house was totally covered in a thick black mist, so thick you could not see the lights.  It moved slowly off the house like it wanted to come after me.  I've never been back or communicated with them.  They were the master of the black mist. 

Backpack

I hugged her and as my arms made contact with her back, it didn't feel right.  I shrugged it off.  Later on as I stood facing her , I saw a pair of red eyes  peak out at me from behind her just below her left ear through her hair. Then it hit me.  It was a demon the size of a napsack with its arms lapped around her shoulders just like the straps of a backpack.  It's legs also lapped around her waist, just like you would a hiking bag.  But he was under her skin, literally.  He peeked his head out at me because he knew I recognized his presence. 
His eyes blinked a few times while she spoke, completely unaware that a demon was living under her skin clinging to her like a backpack.
Her pride keeps him there.  He's fed and stays strong under her skin.  She will never know he's there as he is well placed and has taught her to blame others for the weight she carries.  Even now as I write this, his eyes opened knowing I'm writing about him.  Her I feel the most for because she us unaware and will be for a very long time.

Backpack.

Not Allowed To Speak

Long scaly fingers stretched all the way around her mouth to the back of her head.  His grip was tight.  She was not allowed to speak.  Fear shun from her eyes. Her scream to God would break the demon's hands but she only tried to speak in her worldly tongue.  

She was not allowed to speak.